Anxiety always seems to surface. I can never live free from paranoid impulses that take the breath from my mouth, pangs my heart and sores my chest. I could be watching mindless television when suddenly I get an over whelming feeling of death. “Hypochondria 101, you are not going to die because your heart hurts.” I tell myself over and over, that is until I want to knock my lights out. Literally, make a fist and punch my own face … sorta like Fight Club. Sorta like an asshole.
I choke the urge to pick up a bottle of scotch, NyQuil, Tylenol PM, antihistamine tablets or anything to peace me out for the night. Because all I want is my paranoid sister who lives in my head to “shut the fuck up!” I lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling, long full breaths, in-out in-out in-out. I feel sorry for my love watching me try to un-manipulate my own thoughts into serenity. Freeaaaak. This shit sucks. Breatheeeeee, I can handle it. Breatheeeeee, it only happens now and then. Breatheeeeeee, I’m ok.
Deep down inside I know what has been eating my pen cap into a mutilated mess. It is change. A huge pile of change and a fear of rejection that hits my palate like Picasso. I’m not going to allow suppression distort my vision any longer! I’m not! Let’s take the bull by the horns, shall we? Let’s set ourselves up for the worse and just ask the damn fucking question one last time, shall we? Let’s remember that you should not take anything personally. Let’s remember your not going to be rejected. It is not your fault.
So here we go…
“I’m getting married in 4 months! Do you think we could go over the plans or whatever you can help with? Anything?” ………. My heart sinks. Still no answer from daddy. Because the truth is … I don’t expect anything … as a matter its not money I’m looking for. It is love, support and happiness. I think I scared him off. And I can’t take it personally. I can’t. I haven’t heard back from him and I knew this already. Come on! Don’t cry! Don’t cry! Get it together! You prepared yourself for this! You did! Ok….. breatheeeee, it will be over soon. Breatheeeeee.
” I still love. I will always love. Nothing can ever take that away from me. Because I don’t ask or beg for love. My love is effortless.”
I think its over now. I can go on.
Speaking!